Life's Curve Balls

Sometimes you just don’t know what life will throw at you. Even when you plan for a variety of eventualities, think through possible consequences of a decision and/or spend hours weighing up the pros and cons of something, still, the path you find yourself on can be far removed from where you thought you were going.

I recently made a major life decision. It was a fraught and conflicted decision made in a betwixt and between moment. I was never fully invested in my final choice, but made it any way in the hope that possibilities I could not predict would come of it. Since that moment, that one decision, my heart and mind have been pulled backwards, perpetually in a state of regret for the decision I made. The landscape I left behind shifted in ways I had always hoped for and the invigorating process of change began to develop. As I look back over my shoulder, I do so with both happiness and sadness. I am glad that things are changing for the place I once was, but deeply disappointed I am not a part of it.

In the space and time where I made the decision I did, I tried to be brave. I tried to think about the advice I would give others in similar situations – step forward, take the risk, be brave. We don’t know what is out there for us unless we walk through the door. Each step we take both creates and closes opportunities in our lives. It is easy to be comfortable, to remain in what we know, even when what we know is flawed. Taking a risk and stepping off into the unknown is filled with possibility and growth. Possibility and growth we can never realize if we don’t engage with opportunity bravely. Yet taking that step is extraordinarily challenging. Conflicted emotions, relationships, ‘what ifs’, and fear of regret compound the challenge.

I understand intellectually that regret is a wasteful place to spend time. It is a deep and boggy place that constrains your forward progression. It keeps your head on a swivel pointed backward instead of forward. I know this, and yet I still feel it and am currently consumed by it. I also know that I made the decision. No one forced me to make the choice I did. I was let down by the people around me and that influenced my decision and I still find myself let down by those same people as I grapple with the consequences of my choice. Maybe this second round of let downs is purposeful. Maybe it is the universe affirming I made the “right” choice in that moment months ago and that my response to the particular constellation of facts pushed me forward. I am reminded of an earlier blog post of mine where I reflected on our capacity to act “as if” something were true and in so doing, what we hope for can become a reality.

This blog post is not meant to elicit sympathy but rather to illuminate the complexities of our decisions and how we never really know where our choices will take us even when we try to plan. Does that mean we shouldn’t make hard choices? No, I don’t think it does. Part of being successful is believing in the decisions we make, embracing them with both hands, despite the emotional tumult that may accompany them. Being brave when there is hurt. Being resolute when doubt starts to creep in. Acting as if the path we find ourselves on is exactly where we are supposed to be. A friend recently shared this quote, and it fits perfectly [with a minor edit] here: “you can’t unwrap the present unless you let go of [the hurt and disappointment from] the past.”

Creating Conditions for Wellness at Work

I am standing at my desk trying to motivate to get to the pool over lunch to do the workout I missed on Monday. Apparently, motivation is a theme for me. I am 1.5 weeks out from my A race, so I am also pretty fatigued at this point. With two days of work travel ahead, I am fading. When you travel for work, you aren't doing just 8 hours a day, it is always longer and more taxing than that. While I love to travel, being away from home can be tough when you are already tired.

My midday motivation has prompted me to reflect more deeply on the conditions that folks need to engage in activity while at work. In my previous job, I had a standing desk that I loved. Then, in my new job, I went three months without one and boy, did it have an impact of my overall level of energy. I actually tried to construct one out of empty boxes but that wasn't that successful. I was shocked at the impact not being able to stand and work had on me. Going from standing at work to sitting all day left me feeling extremely lethargic. I had no idea how differently my body responded to standing and sitting versus just sitting. I am also in a windowless office that is very quiet, so there isn't a lot of stimulation or sunlight. The body movement required of standing, or of alternating between standing and sitting keeps me alert and a little more engaged. I know not everyone is lucky enough to have a standing desk or is able to use one given mobility differences, so finding a set up that works for you in your office is important. If you do have access to request one and can use one, I would highly recommend it.

It's interesting I think, how office culture has developed and how in many ways, it really deters folks from being active despite the rhetoric employers use to encourage active lifestyles. The pressure to be at your desk, standing or otherwise, or the time it takes to go from your office to the gym/pool/track and back again influences our decisions to be active during the work day. I am already calculating how long it will take me to drive to the pool, change, swim, change again and drive back. Likely longer than the hour I have for lunch which then necessitates me working later to address that discrepancy. Given the multiple commitments folks have, working late is not feasible and so if a workout can't fit neatly into 60 minutes, it is often shelved.

My office building doesn't have a gym, it doesn't have any outside space to spend time, and it doesn't even have a communal area for folks to gather away from their desks to eat lunch, so they just work through. There are 100s of employees in my building, all buzzing away in their own little isolated worlds. Some folks change their shoes and go for a walk, through our parking lot and onto a busy road, before they can disappear into quieter neighborhoods. It's not a conducive walking environment though. The pull to stay inside is powerful, and once in the rut it is hard to break free. There are wellness programs and encouragement to bike to work for example, but the infrastructure and flexibility isn't there to support folks doing that. It never ceases to amaze me how unwilling employers are to put the structure in place behind their words to support their employees' wellness, whatever that may be. It is as though wellness and productivity are distinct unrelated concepts. This couldn't be further from the truth in my opinion. How long will it take for organizations, public and private, to come around to this perspective? That is likely a million dollar question.

Postscript: I did motivate to go swimming, and swam for 43 minutes, but with the drive and change time, it took me 95 minutes all told. I even wore my swimsuit to work under my work clothes to minimize change time. Without a flexible supervisor or pool in your building how do you get away for that? I am not sure I will be able to do it again.